“Get crazy/ get wild/ Let’s party/ get loud…”
Yes! Finally the theme song we’ve waited a whole two months for! The guidos and guidettes from the Jersey Shore are back for a fifth season of what we can assume will be full of alcohol, grenades, kooka dances and hookups.
So let’s jump right in!
Ciao, Italia! Florence was amazing, we’re sure, but the roommates were more than ready to head back home. After their flight landed and rooming arrangements were settled (it stayed the same as before, which meant The Situation is with Ron and Sam again. Should be interesting), all six of the not-as-tanned reality stars ran up those stairs to the Jersey house. So how’d they celebrate their homecoming? Downing pickle juice, some glasses of Ron Ron Juice, Vinny “dry-humping” Pauly D to break in the bed (necessary, obvs) and a stroll on the boardwalk.
Surprise! It was time to get what they’ve been missing—some GTL, because as Pauly said, “I’m tanorexic, bro.” So after some intense tanning, a gym session and doing some laundry, everyone went out to meet their Shore Store boss Danny at a bar called Captain Hook’s. It seemed far from a blast in a glass at first, but then surprise! Everyone’s family and friends were there to see them! Yes, lots of crying. Even Vinny got emotional after seeing his mom (awww). Oh, and Uncle Nino was there. Let the creepiness begin.
Skeletons in the Closet: Uncle Nino hitting on all the females was put on the back burner once Mike introduced his friend Unit. You remember him? The guy who supposedly “saw” everything that went down between Sitch and Snooki. Well, put those two in a room, with Snooki, her friend Ryder and boyfriend Jionni, and you got some serious drama. Lots of back and forth yelling (all while Jionni was in the restroom) but in the end, nothing was clarified. However, Ronnie felt that Snooks’ reactions to Unit seemed like she had a guilty conscience.
“Ryd-er”: Back to the house and it’s time for some action. Mike had his “gay tendencies” with Unit while they changed to go downstairs (which included them in their brief undies together. That’s not weird). Then, Pauly and Ryder, both drunk, took their flirtation into a make-out session in front of Deena, who didn’t seem too pleased. That then moved to the bedroom, but wait—Ryder already slept with Vin! But Pauly didn’t want to be rude so, “Whether you’re the first man in, or the last man in…Ryd-er.”
BFFs? Out to Aztec they went! And Jionni, being the nice guy he is, bought drinks for Mike all night! Yes, Mike! Of course, the Sitch guzzled it all down and acknowledged how nice that was of Snooki’s man. Then, Jionni tells his lady that “Mike’s a nice guy. He’s nice to me.” What is all this niceness going on?! Don’t you people watch the show?!
Homesick, Bro: Poor Vinny wasn’t feeling too good. Seeing his family, mainly his mama, stirred up some emotions inside that put him “in a funk.” Luckily, it wasn’t anything a trip to Aztec couldn’t fix. Until they saw that it was a war zone, full of grenades. Back to missing home he went, saying he can’t function and has nothing left to give. Is he really going back home to Staten Island?! We call this foreshadowing, folks.
by Bruna Nessif