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Jersey Shore Premiere: Welcome Back to America, Bro

“Get crazy/ get wild/ Let’s party/ get loud…”

Yes! Finally the theme song we’ve waited a whole two months for! The guidos  and guidettes from the Jersey Shore are back for a fifth season of what  we can assume will be full of alcohol, grenades, kooka dances and hookups.

So let’s jump right in!

Ciao, Italia! Florence was amazing, we’re sure, but  the roommates were more than ready to head back home. After their flight landed  and rooming arrangements were settled (it stayed the same as before, which meant The Situation is with Ron and Sam again. Should be interesting), all six of the not-as-tanned  reality stars ran up those stairs to the Jersey house. So how’d they  celebrate their homecoming? Downing pickle juice, some glasses of Ron Ron Juice, Vinny “dry-humping” Pauly D to break in the  bed (necessary, obvs) and a stroll on the boardwalk.

Surprise! It was time to get what they’ve been missing—some  GTL, because as Pauly said, “I’m tanorexic, bro.” So after some intense tanning,  a gym session and doing some laundry, everyone went out to meet their Shore  Store boss Danny at a bar called Captain Hook’s. It seemed far  from a blast in a glass at first, but then surprise! Everyone’s family and  friends were there to see them! Yes, lots of crying. Even Vinny got emotional  after seeing his mom (awww). Oh, and Uncle Nino was  there. Let the creepiness begin.

Skeletons in the Closet: Uncle Nino hitting on all the  females was put on the back burner once Mike introduced his friend Unit. You remember him? The guy who supposedly “saw” everything  that went down between Sitch and Snooki. Well, put those two in  a room, with Snooki, her friend Ryder and boyfriend Jionni, and you got some serious drama. Lots of back and forth  yelling (all while Jionni was in the restroom) but in the end, nothing was  clarified. However, Ronnie felt that Snooks’ reactions to Unit seemed like she  had a guilty conscience.

“Ryd-er”: Back to the house and it’s time for some action.  Mike had his “gay tendencies” with Unit while they changed to go downstairs  (which included them in their brief undies together. That’s not weird). Then,  Pauly and Ryder, both drunk, took their flirtation into a make-out session in  front of Deena, who didn’t seem too pleased. That then moved to  the bedroom, but wait—Ryder already slept with Vin! But Pauly didn’t want to be  rude so, “Whether you’re the first man in, or the last man in…Ryd-er.”

BFFs? Out to Aztec they went! And Jionni, being the nice guy  he is, bought drinks for Mike all night! Yes, Mike! Of course, the Sitch guzzled  it all down and acknowledged how nice that was of Snooki’s man. Then, Jionni  tells his lady that “Mike’s a nice guy. He’s nice to me.” What is all this  niceness going on?! Don’t you people watch the show?!

Homesick, Bro: Poor Vinny wasn’t feeling too good. Seeing  his family, mainly his mama, stirred up some emotions inside that put him “in a  funk.” Luckily, it wasn’t anything a trip to Aztec couldn’t fix. Until they saw  that it was a war zone, full of grenades. Back to missing home he went, saying  he can’t function and has nothing left to give. Is he really going back home to  Staten Island?! We call this foreshadowing, folks.

 

 

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